My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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