Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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