new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
