I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
