It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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