What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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