Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
how do you play pong handcuffed?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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