That's intense
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
