Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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