Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
