If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
