I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
