my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
