I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
