I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
