I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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