1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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