the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
