My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
