it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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