Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize