Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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