if you like me you must not know who I am
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
