my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
