My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
