I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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