she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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