my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
