i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he thought i was a dude.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
