I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
