I didn't shave. On purpose
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Randomize
