I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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