When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
