I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize