I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
