i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
