I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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