Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
