i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Someone stole a lamp last night.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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