R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
