I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
