Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
