well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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