Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
