OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
