I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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