Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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