Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
