I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize