Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize