dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
