dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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