Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Never underestimate the power of titties
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
