Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
