If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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