Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
