Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
