Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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